April Showers...

Tomorrow/Today depending on when I finish this will be a hard day, probably harder than I even think it's going to be right now...

I can't believe it's been a year since I saw my sweet aunt for the last time in her earthly body. Since I heard her laugh and tell me how she was going to get the cancer back. Since she asked me about Wake and if I had a boyfriend. I could answer that now. I could tell her how much I am loved, how happy I am with him. It's been a year since she would ask about IV and events with that. Oh how I could've told her all the plans for Guys night, how I'm excited about my leadership role for next year, and how I feel God is working in my life and using me in others' lives. It's been a year since I saw her sons, my cousins. I miss them, I often think about them and yearn to hear how they are doing. So much in my life has changed in this year, so much has remained the same. I guess the anniversary of the first year is particularly difficult, all of the emotions come back that you felt last year at this time because it's also been a year since I've grieved. Since I've really thought about the loss I experienced. However, while this is sad for me...it's been a year since she got to meet our heavenly father and be with Him in heaven. I have no doubt she is there, she loved the Lord so much and helped reach so many lives with her disease. She's experienced a years worth of heavenly days. I can't even begin to imagine the joy she has experienced in this year, but i'm here and she's there and while i'm still here I will grieve. I will not be ashamed about crying while blogging this, it's good for a girl's heart. I will not be ashamed to not be able to fully let go of all the hurt that occured in those days last year. I will mourn and know that april shower always bring may flowers, so in this time of flood, I will hold on to the promise of brighter days ahead.

Putting up v. Love

I'm going to preface this post with...if you don't like mushy stuff then don't read it.

Harrison made this statement today, and I thought it was an interesting way to look at "putting up with someone" when they may irritate you.

"I'm just saying I never have to 'put up with you' because if you love someone you're not putting up with them, but you're loving them, so in a sense neither one of us puts up with each other but we love the heck out of each other."

Pretty valid...what do you think?

"I was hoping you wouldn't ask that..."

These are the words that came out of my mom's mouth when I asked how my great grandma was doing. I frequently ask about her because ever since my great grandfather passed away in September, she has been heavy on my heart. Being with someone since you were 13 and losing him at age 76 is an extreme loss. You fell in love with him, you committed your life to him, you raised a family with him, you watched your kids have kids, you watched your grand kids have kids, and then you watched your grand kids' kids have kids. You experienced the fear of losing your first born daughter to liver failure, and yet she miraculously received a transplant within 48 hours. You experienced all this, and suddenly, this person is gone. I cannot fathom how hurt and how low she must be. When I saw her earlier this month and asked her how she was, she responded, "I'm here". I then said "well that's good right?!", then she replied a simple, "I guess".

So yesterday when I asked how she was nonchalantly with Harrison by my side, and heard these words, my heart dropped. I must admit, they dropped for selfish reasons. Probably because I told myself I would try to go visit her more, but I haven't. Probably because I can't stand the thought of losing another family member---2 in one year is enough right? How could God put me through one more?

So friends/people who read my blog because they for some reason found it on my facebook page/people who don't really like me...I am begging all of you to pray. First, I would like you to pray for healing. Healing for her heart and soul, she is completely broken, missing her soul mate who has gone to be with the Lord. Healing for her health. But secondly, I ask for you to pray that whatever happens she will be happy, at peace. Pray that our heavenly Father comforts her and shows her how much He loves her. Just pray.

And I'm clinging to the promise, You're not through with me yet...

Despite the fact that I have not blogged about anything spiritually related recently, God has been showing me His knowledge of me and holding me in His loving arms.

I'm doing discipleship this semester with Katy and Allison and we are reading this amazing book by Angela Thomas called "Do you know who I am and other brave questions women ask". Every chapter is essentially a question you may find yourself asking God or needing God for. Coincidentally, every chapter has been applicable to my life the week I have read it. Coincidence? I think not.

So I wrote the top half of this post, pre Greek IV conference. So I'm just combining these two thoughts into one big blog. Also, can we notice the name of the blog (i named it before conference, clearly God is good on His promise...duh)

Can I just tell you that our God is one big, big God; and that He did some major work in Charlotte, NC this weekend. I was deeply moved by seeing 100+ Greek students learn how to be leaders, depend on God, and make God the center and focus of their lives. Here are some things that I felt God was trying to teach me:

1. I need to pray more. When I say pray I don't just mean for my sick relatives and for my future. I need to REALLY PRAY. Pray for changes I want to see happen in my life, in my friends' lives, on my campus. And not just small prayers, BIG prayers. God is not small, he is BIG. He made the world, so why should I not ask Him for BIG things?

2. I need to focus on God's plan for my life, and give all aspects of my life up to HIM. HE will be the decider of my future: not my parents, not me, not my boyfriend, not my friends. HE will be the one to lead me to the right job or internship or grad school for me. But until I allow him to have control over all assets of my life, nothing is going to happen.

3. I need to love on my sisters, friends, small group members, wake community. I need to love them and make intentional relationships with them. This will build a trust that will make them comfortable enough to come to me if they have a problem, and this could lead to opportunities for me to spread the gospel! How amazing would that be?!

So Lord, I pray that YOU will help me live out my life for YOU and only YOU post greek conference. I pray that YOU will keep that fire lit within me, and I pray that YOU will bless the wake forest campus, not just adpi, not just greek life, but our whole campus God. I pray that you will show through us Your pure and holy love that only YOU can show. I pray that YOU will use me as your servant God. Thank you for Your love, Your forgiveness, Your faith, and Your hope. Thank YOU for teaching me this weekend and for holding my hand every day God.

Praise be to YOU.
Amen

6 months ago....

I can't believe it's been six months since I sat on the couch, watched the twins walk out the apartment, and begin to squeal with Katy....my how time flies. Here is my sweet email I received on our anniversary...I'm blogging this primarily for selfish purposes, so I can always have this sweet message.

Mary Hannah Mae Bean,

I don't really know where to start or how to start this. Telling you how appreciative I am of your love just doesn't seem like enough. These past 6 months, I have experienced love, real, truthful, pure, clean love. I know I have a past and all that mess, but this is real love. A man doesn't understand the power of a womans' love. I feel sorry for all of the guys out in the world that don't get to wake up and feel how I feel. Not only do you love me, and you have my heart, but you are literally my other half. I had always heard that expression and disregarded it, but you are my other half, my everything. Hannah, I love you so much and I would do anything for us or you. You have done everything for me and I hope I do the same for you. Your family has treated me like one of their own, and I also hope mine treats you the same. You are a God send Hannah and I am truly thankful from the bottom of my heart for all you do for me, what you continue to do for me, and most inportantly, being the lucky recipient of your love. I love you so much Mary Hannah Mae Bean, I cannot wait to make our two lives become one! Happy 6 months!! Thank you for everything sweetheart!!! I love you so much!!

Love,
Harry

Trust

"You have to trust and forgive. Relationships cannot exist without trust. And just as Christ forgives, so must we forgive for all the hurts they haven't even committed yet. But you must trust."

I saw this quote on a friends blog and it really hit home. Trust, is probably my biggest flaw when it comes to my relationship. I've been hurt so much in so many different ways that the ideal and thought of trusting someone completely scares me because I do not want to be hurt again, even much more than the previous times. But this isn't really fair to him, how can I ever expect us to have a super transparent relationship without this trust?

What he wants...

"I want to have my other half in you, I already feel that I do. I want someone that takes me at my best and my worst, and you do. I want someone to be able to sit through jersey shore, basketball games, football games etc not because they love it as much as me but because they love me enough to put themselves through it, you do. I want someone who doesn't care what car I drive, how big my house is, what clothes I wear, how tall i am, you take me for me. You have a strong bond with God and I do too, I'd love to strengthen our journey in Christ together, we are so compatible and you understand me for me. I love you so much and these are all of my wants; however I already have them all with you. I love you forever."