Sweet Summertime Update

This Summer has been nonstop physically and emotionally. This is a long update so here it goes...

1. Rockbridge was really great. I got to spend some time with girls that are younger and I am really glad I chose to do this because I learned so much from our talks and time together. Some people are such blessings in my life and it saddens me that I only have one more year with them.

2. My internship is quite amazing. So far I have gotten to be on screen, film, set up scenes, and meet some really awesome people! Our website is http://www.hometowntvtoday.com/ (if you go under the keep watching tab as of right now one of my spots is the first link). This is internship has been truly a blessing with all i've had going on at home God certainly knew what he was doing by placing me here.

3. Anna C. is now Anna S!!!! Her wedding was so beautiful and yet very stressful. The electricity in the whole area of the county went out right as her mom was about to be seated (it was a perfectly sunny day). But the ceremony felt so intimate and special that I think she secretly didn't hate it now. On that note all of her pre wedding festivities: bachelorette party, helping her with stuff for the wedding, pre wedding tan time was so so special to me. For some reason I was especially sentimental for this one and I really pray God blesses her and Kev's relationship!

4. I had a physical (eww) which led my doctor to recommend I go see a nephrologist at Duke. Let me tell you I do not think I have ever prayed and relied on God as much as I did the week before my appointment. The day before Harrison and I prayed quite a few times together for God to heal my body and keep me safe the next day. Praise God everything is ok for right now, but int he future I may have to have more tests done so please keep me in your prayers.

5. Anna G. has decided that instead of 2013 to get married she wants to get married this year on July 9...oh and she decided this like the beginning of June. Needless to say this has been a whirlwind month trying to keep her happy and help her out as much as possible.

6. My time with my family has been so amazing. I have gotten to spend a lot of time with my parents which has been such a blessing. No one gets you quite like your parents no matter how old you are. My memaw has also been a person I have been happy to be around. She is so witty and I am so blessed to have a 76 year old grandmother in the shape she is in.

7. I have obviously enjoyed getting to spend time with Harrison almost everyday. I do not think people that date someone that goes to their school understand how truly lucky they are to get to see their significant other everyday, and how complaining about not seeing them over the weekend can be pretty annoying for people that don't get to see them everyday. (5 out of 7 is pretty good don't you think? I do). But really I think Harrison and I have grown together so much with going to church together and to Warehouse on Saturday nights. We've gotten to have one on one talks that I will cherish forever. I am truly loved by a man so deeply that it makes me want to cry just thinking about it.

8. I'm reading the book Radical by David Platt...more to come once i'm finished....

SO that's all so far!

April Showers...

Tomorrow/Today depending on when I finish this will be a hard day, probably harder than I even think it's going to be right now...

I can't believe it's been a year since I saw my sweet aunt for the last time in her earthly body. Since I heard her laugh and tell me how she was going to get the cancer back. Since she asked me about Wake and if I had a boyfriend. I could answer that now. I could tell her how much I am loved, how happy I am with him. It's been a year since she would ask about IV and events with that. Oh how I could've told her all the plans for Guys night, how I'm excited about my leadership role for next year, and how I feel God is working in my life and using me in others' lives. It's been a year since I saw her sons, my cousins. I miss them, I often think about them and yearn to hear how they are doing. So much in my life has changed in this year, so much has remained the same. I guess the anniversary of the first year is particularly difficult, all of the emotions come back that you felt last year at this time because it's also been a year since I've grieved. Since I've really thought about the loss I experienced. However, while this is sad for me...it's been a year since she got to meet our heavenly father and be with Him in heaven. I have no doubt she is there, she loved the Lord so much and helped reach so many lives with her disease. She's experienced a years worth of heavenly days. I can't even begin to imagine the joy she has experienced in this year, but i'm here and she's there and while i'm still here I will grieve. I will not be ashamed about crying while blogging this, it's good for a girl's heart. I will not be ashamed to not be able to fully let go of all the hurt that occured in those days last year. I will mourn and know that april shower always bring may flowers, so in this time of flood, I will hold on to the promise of brighter days ahead.

Putting up v. Love

I'm going to preface this post with...if you don't like mushy stuff then don't read it.

Harrison made this statement today, and I thought it was an interesting way to look at "putting up with someone" when they may irritate you.

"I'm just saying I never have to 'put up with you' because if you love someone you're not putting up with them, but you're loving them, so in a sense neither one of us puts up with each other but we love the heck out of each other."

Pretty valid...what do you think?

"I was hoping you wouldn't ask that..."

These are the words that came out of my mom's mouth when I asked how my great grandma was doing. I frequently ask about her because ever since my great grandfather passed away in September, she has been heavy on my heart. Being with someone since you were 13 and losing him at age 76 is an extreme loss. You fell in love with him, you committed your life to him, you raised a family with him, you watched your kids have kids, you watched your grand kids have kids, and then you watched your grand kids' kids have kids. You experienced the fear of losing your first born daughter to liver failure, and yet she miraculously received a transplant within 48 hours. You experienced all this, and suddenly, this person is gone. I cannot fathom how hurt and how low she must be. When I saw her earlier this month and asked her how she was, she responded, "I'm here". I then said "well that's good right?!", then she replied a simple, "I guess".

So yesterday when I asked how she was nonchalantly with Harrison by my side, and heard these words, my heart dropped. I must admit, they dropped for selfish reasons. Probably because I told myself I would try to go visit her more, but I haven't. Probably because I can't stand the thought of losing another family member---2 in one year is enough right? How could God put me through one more?

So friends/people who read my blog because they for some reason found it on my facebook page/people who don't really like me...I am begging all of you to pray. First, I would like you to pray for healing. Healing for her heart and soul, she is completely broken, missing her soul mate who has gone to be with the Lord. Healing for her health. But secondly, I ask for you to pray that whatever happens she will be happy, at peace. Pray that our heavenly Father comforts her and shows her how much He loves her. Just pray.

And I'm clinging to the promise, You're not through with me yet...

Despite the fact that I have not blogged about anything spiritually related recently, God has been showing me His knowledge of me and holding me in His loving arms.

I'm doing discipleship this semester with Katy and Allison and we are reading this amazing book by Angela Thomas called "Do you know who I am and other brave questions women ask". Every chapter is essentially a question you may find yourself asking God or needing God for. Coincidentally, every chapter has been applicable to my life the week I have read it. Coincidence? I think not.

So I wrote the top half of this post, pre Greek IV conference. So I'm just combining these two thoughts into one big blog. Also, can we notice the name of the blog (i named it before conference, clearly God is good on His promise...duh)

Can I just tell you that our God is one big, big God; and that He did some major work in Charlotte, NC this weekend. I was deeply moved by seeing 100+ Greek students learn how to be leaders, depend on God, and make God the center and focus of their lives. Here are some things that I felt God was trying to teach me:

1. I need to pray more. When I say pray I don't just mean for my sick relatives and for my future. I need to REALLY PRAY. Pray for changes I want to see happen in my life, in my friends' lives, on my campus. And not just small prayers, BIG prayers. God is not small, he is BIG. He made the world, so why should I not ask Him for BIG things?

2. I need to focus on God's plan for my life, and give all aspects of my life up to HIM. HE will be the decider of my future: not my parents, not me, not my boyfriend, not my friends. HE will be the one to lead me to the right job or internship or grad school for me. But until I allow him to have control over all assets of my life, nothing is going to happen.

3. I need to love on my sisters, friends, small group members, wake community. I need to love them and make intentional relationships with them. This will build a trust that will make them comfortable enough to come to me if they have a problem, and this could lead to opportunities for me to spread the gospel! How amazing would that be?!

So Lord, I pray that YOU will help me live out my life for YOU and only YOU post greek conference. I pray that YOU will keep that fire lit within me, and I pray that YOU will bless the wake forest campus, not just adpi, not just greek life, but our whole campus God. I pray that you will show through us Your pure and holy love that only YOU can show. I pray that YOU will use me as your servant God. Thank you for Your love, Your forgiveness, Your faith, and Your hope. Thank YOU for teaching me this weekend and for holding my hand every day God.

Praise be to YOU.
Amen

6 months ago....

I can't believe it's been six months since I sat on the couch, watched the twins walk out the apartment, and begin to squeal with Katy....my how time flies. Here is my sweet email I received on our anniversary...I'm blogging this primarily for selfish purposes, so I can always have this sweet message.

Mary Hannah Mae Bean,

I don't really know where to start or how to start this. Telling you how appreciative I am of your love just doesn't seem like enough. These past 6 months, I have experienced love, real, truthful, pure, clean love. I know I have a past and all that mess, but this is real love. A man doesn't understand the power of a womans' love. I feel sorry for all of the guys out in the world that don't get to wake up and feel how I feel. Not only do you love me, and you have my heart, but you are literally my other half. I had always heard that expression and disregarded it, but you are my other half, my everything. Hannah, I love you so much and I would do anything for us or you. You have done everything for me and I hope I do the same for you. Your family has treated me like one of their own, and I also hope mine treats you the same. You are a God send Hannah and I am truly thankful from the bottom of my heart for all you do for me, what you continue to do for me, and most inportantly, being the lucky recipient of your love. I love you so much Mary Hannah Mae Bean, I cannot wait to make our two lives become one! Happy 6 months!! Thank you for everything sweetheart!!! I love you so much!!

Love,
Harry

Trust

"You have to trust and forgive. Relationships cannot exist without trust. And just as Christ forgives, so must we forgive for all the hurts they haven't even committed yet. But you must trust."

I saw this quote on a friends blog and it really hit home. Trust, is probably my biggest flaw when it comes to my relationship. I've been hurt so much in so many different ways that the ideal and thought of trusting someone completely scares me because I do not want to be hurt again, even much more than the previous times. But this isn't really fair to him, how can I ever expect us to have a super transparent relationship without this trust?

What he wants...

"I want to have my other half in you, I already feel that I do. I want someone that takes me at my best and my worst, and you do. I want someone to be able to sit through jersey shore, basketball games, football games etc not because they love it as much as me but because they love me enough to put themselves through it, you do. I want someone who doesn't care what car I drive, how big my house is, what clothes I wear, how tall i am, you take me for me. You have a strong bond with God and I do too, I'd love to strengthen our journey in Christ together, we are so compatible and you understand me for me. I love you so much and these are all of my wants; however I already have them all with you. I love you forever."

Broken yet peaceful

I am broken, I have no idea which road to take which option is my answer....

but God has given me peace, I know He is with me and guiding me along my decisions, my path, that I will take. I know He will not leave me, will always be there to talk to, and will hold me when I cry...

The other night of the phone my mom said, "Hannah instead of focus on what you may not or won't have focus on what you do have, think about Harrison."

Well, although Harrison is and has been a huge support, I have and will always have my heavenly Father. No matter how far I may stray, how bad I may hurt him, how lost and broken I am, I have a friend in my sweet sweet Jesus....

and that my friends gives me perfect peace.

Second best...

I have never been so hurt in my life. I have never felt a sharper knife in my back than that of the one that is in there now.

But I guess I always have been second best for some reason always put on the back burner.....

you have to lay in the bed you made and I have to lay in mine...

but the next time you're owed money or chewed out for no reason remember I gave you an out....

It's a New Year

So I was inspired by my wonderful roommate to kind of do a blog rehasing the whole last year...

Last Winter, a kiss from lizzie brought in 2010. My birthday was a celebration as I escaped the teens and entered in to a new stage and then became four teeth less wise. The month was very anticlimatic but that seems to be a good thing these days...

The month of love. Valentine's day date with my parents' nothing could be better than that at the time. Relationships begin growing thanks to alpha delta pi. John Mayer playing his guitar especially for me.

Spring Break: sleep, friends from home, and relaxation...Alpha Delta Pi dominating air bands and taking the title! Exciting month!

Losing my dear sweet aunt, who fought cancer for three long, hard years. Not being warned of this loss, shock, devastation, brokenness over a loss that should not have happened so soon. The sting of death...

Rockbridge defined the month of May. The best experience of my life by far. Meeting with God, growing closer with him, being challenged by him, growing closer with my friends in Christ, forming relationships with people I never spoke to before this week...

Summer months, moving into my first "big girl" apartment, bridal showers, bachelorette parties, bridal party cookouts, dancing in my driveway and in the apartment, so you think you can dance, July 6--a day I will also be grateful for

August, the wedding of my first friend to marry the love of her life, beginning a relationship---scary, exciting, crazy, the start of my junior year, IV leadership retreat, meeting the girls in my small group that I have grown to love

Fall enters, I realize i'm in love, mallard ball, the death of my sweet pawsie...85 years of life, a servant to his country, a father, a grandfather, great grandfather, and great great grandfather, loss but comfort in knowing he is home

Halloween, the love square, the fair, fun times with friends and the boyfriend, a month of rebuilding after a loss, coming to terms with the loss

Guy's Night...planning since July the big Night arrived, no problems no misups just a group of 20 happy guys from Intervarsity, first thanksgiving with harrison, lexie saying my name, lizzie not running when harrison walks through my front door

Exams, beasting the semester, friends graduating and getting jobs, rest, sickness, love, Christmas cheer with no drama or arguments or fights, Christmas Eve with his family, seeing myself with him forever...

But it's a New year now, time for new adventures, new trials, new mountains to climb, new things to celebrate, here's to 2011....let's make this year mean something...

Phone call

My Phone rings,

"Hey, I know how you are about food and I know you have none at the apartment, do you want me to bring some."

"No that's ok I have some easy mac here, but if you don't want that you may want to get you something."

"Ok, see you in a bit, love you."

Cuddling on the couch, watching a movie, eating dinner...

I could get used to this.

100%

The Wake Forest mentality is a funny thing to me. I try very hard not to get caught up in it and let grades rule my life, but I often do. I, of course, want to make good grades and succeed, but some people take it to the extreme. My roommates stress themselves out an insane amount and maybe it's because of them that I feel this year I have gotten worse, maybe it's because i'm deep into my major classes and obviously you want to do good in your major classes, maybe it's because I care more....I'm not really sure, but I do know when I just saw I got a 100% on my semester long project I could have cried and jumped about ten feet high. It's amazing how in that one split second I went from being down and ready to just go home to super excited about life.

Do I think this is healthy? Not at all, we can't let our lives be centered around grades. I honestly believe the pressure we're under these days is one of the reasons why suicide is so prevalent, why we have crappy days if we make a B on a paper or exam, I mean come on a B is a good grade (it always angers me when someone says oh man I got an 86...seriously?)....

Anyways, for now I will bask in the joy of my 100% and be content with how my hard work paid off!

Reflection

As I sit back and reflect on the past semester so much has happened and changed in my life. These past four months have honestly been the biggest roller coaster I think God has ever taking me on, and you know what, I'm grateful for every last tear, laugh, angry thought, disappointment, moment of joy that He has given me. I'm just gonna jot down a few of them here!

1. Intervarsity Leadership Retreat- Probably my second favorite weekend of the semester. It really was a fresh start to the school year and helped me clear my mind and really get into the right spot for where I needed to be spiritually. I'm not sure why, but for some reason every time we have an IV event we somehow end up breaking out into song, in particularly, "I Want it That Way" by BSB. Who knows, we also had some precious t.swift/katy perry sing along time with chuckles and luke. This was just the stepping block to initiate some amazing friendships I have gained and that have really grown this semester.

2. Intervarsity Beach Retreat- BY FAR THE BEST PART OF THE SEMESTER. This weekend was simply the best despite the fact that it started off with us getting creeped on by a rando truck following us all the way from Raleigh to the beach...those are some serious stalking skills or a serious coincidence that we were both headed the same exact place. Anyways, singing worship songs on a sunday morning on the beach...there's just something about that that just makes you want to say God, Thank You for this world and these people that I am here with. Also chapter time is always a highlight for me. It makes you so vulnerable, and I'm not one to really open to a lot of people. I mainly just lose it to Anna and Katy so there's something really freeing about that. The rave was also a huge success and a great way to have a little fun!

3. The loss of my sweet great grandfather- At the beach I got a text from my cousin telling me to tell my dad that he needed to call the hospital because my great grandfather was not doing well. I knew he had been in the hospital for pneumonia, but I didn't really think pneumonia was that serious, so that really scared me and distracted me a bit from what I should've been focused on. The Sunday I got home from the beach, I was exhausted and had an exam the next day so Harrison rode with me I got to see him, for me that was the last time. He did not wake up, but it gave me so much peace when I got the call three days later that he had passed. Harrison was a huge blessing to me during this time, he came to both the funeral home and the funeral and really encouraged me and showed me he loved me through my loss.

4. Guy's Night- I feel like Katy and I worked on this thing for like a million years, but our jumbled down ideas from a random night in July came to life on November 19! It was such a huge success, and all the guys seemed to really enjoy everything and they told us they really felt loved and appreciated which is all that matters!!!

5. My small group- I was blessed with the amazing task and huge responsibility of being a small group leader this year. The first week we met we had 21 girls! However, we've leveled off to about 10-15. These girls are such a huge inspiration to me, and I really have enjoyed making so many new friends that I would have never known if God had not allowed me to do this task. Obviously, I know God knew all along the impact and what the girls needed, but I had no ideal how many lessons I would be taught by my girls.

6. Harrison- He gets his own number, because he's just that special. I'm pretty sure since August 9 probably before then actually, Harrison and I have not gone a week without seeing each other. Quite honestly, the thought makes me hurt inside. He has become like my other half, we feed off of each other, we care about each other, we love to just be with each other and just lay down and watch TV...no talking necessary just the presence. I honestly don't know if Harrison is the guy I'm going to marry if I'm ever going to get married, and he does not know if I'm the girl...only God knows that. But I sure hope he is in my life for a long time. I mean, we've known each other and been friends since eighth grade so that's a pretty substantial amount of time. I hope that whatever happens, whether he is a season in my life or a permanent fixture, he always stays my friend. I will always love him with a special love, that no other guy will get from me. I never knew someone could make me this happy, and I'm just loving and enjoying every minute of my "Harry" time.

So yeah, that's a wrap for all of my semester stuff, there were many more! At the beginning of the post are some pictures from the semester!!!!

Perfect Peace

"And you'll never walk alone, and you'll never be in need, no I may not calm the storms around you, you can hide in Me."

This song is so beautiful (Perfect Peace by Laura Story)!

God,

Thank you for the numerous blessings you have given me. It is so humbling to me that you would love me so much to bless me with so many friends that are there for me whenever I may need them, an amazing family who loves me so unconditionally no matter how bad I screw up how stupid I am how down I am, they always know how to lift me up, for an amazing boyfriend who seems to really care about me and love me for me and not for someone who he thinks I am, for a wonderful school that lets me explore my dreams and that is so beautiful, for a wonderful campus ministry and small group where I feel I can really grow closer to you and get to know you better. God I know I get down, but please know that I am thankful for all of these things all the time and I know that I do not deserve any of them.

Thank you God. Thank you for being You. For being holy. For sending your Son. For saving me. For catching me when I fall. For listening to me when I cry. For holding me when I need rest. For loving me when i'm lonely. For smiling on me when I laugh.

Thank you for giving me perfect peace in you.

Homesick

I am so tired, and all I want to do is rest but i feel like my life is going to be non stop until the end of the semester. I feel like I'm so behind in so many of my friends' lives and it saddens me that I can't see them like I did this summer, every week multiple times a week. Not that I don't love school, but I just need home time with my friends where we can just laugh and hang out and not have to worry about this and that...I miss being carefree and laughing for hours on end because we could. However, God clearly wants me to get an education and I guess being "homesick" for them is part of this.

Lord, you formed me knowing what part of your plan I would complete. I will not accept defeat. For I am called, I am chosen.

I have to trust in this prayer, that God knew what he was doing when he put me here. Maybe I'm here to reach a girl that's in my small group, maybe I'm here to reach a girl that's in my sorority...but right now I really wish I was not here. I wish I was in Lexington at Don Juans with Jenny, Anna, Anna, Ashley, and Jordan eating dinner, talking about SYTYCD and deciding when during the week we were going to go to the pool. I don't think i've ever really been homesick, but right now I think I am. Maybe it's because I know if I make it through the week I will get to see three of the four of them, I don't know...but I need them a lot right now.

Also today is my Mawsie's 76th birthday and her first one without my pawsie in 60 + years...so if you're reading this say a little prayer for her. I wish I could go and visit her, but I know she knows how much I love her and much he loves her.

I.Love.You

Three simple words, I love you can mean so much...

I mean we always tell our parents we love them when we're hanging up the phone, or are friends, and maybe even you're significant other if you have one...but do you ever miss hearing these words from someone?

Last Tuesday my great grandfather told me he loved me and it brought me to tears. These words have never done that until now. He was a simple man didn't talk much so when he did you knew it meant a lot. When I called my dad, I was simply just calling to see how my great grandpa was doing not to talk to him. But Thank YOU God for allowing him to be awake and to hear me tell him I love him and to tell me those words back. I will forever cherish that phone conversation. It's been a little over a week now since I heard those words and I will never hear them again on this earth. This is so sad to me, my dear sweet pawsie is gone.

But I know he loves me and I know he will be watching over me as I wait until I get to see him again.

I miss you and I love you more than you know paw.

Hanging by a moment...

I'm hanging

emotions not sure where to go...

an issue I've never dealt with before...

God, I need you now.

Here comes fall!

So I guess instead of this blog becoming more of a me interpret stuff/share my thoughts on quotes/post pictures of my amazing adventure it's going to be more of a I tell you what's going on in my life thing....basically the same thing but a little more of a listing for my friends that I don't get to see as much!

SO...Yesterday was the first day of classes! My Wednesdays are super long and I'm literally going to be going straight from 8-2 with no breaks but oh well...my professors are amazing and I am super pumped about taking my first steps to becoming Erin Andrews haha! After class I went to the bookstore and bought one book and paid 110 dollars...a bit ridic don't you think? Then I went back to the den and crashed...I was exhausted....

We had our first day of school din din at McAllisters (our current favorite) and then we came back to get ready for the Sam Adams concert which we did not pay for thankfully...we just stood behind the fence and listened. He was WAY too profain for me...I mean seriously not every other word out of your mouth needs to be a cuss word in order for you to be some cool white rapper...I mean Brass Chuckles is way cooler and he does not cuss at all haha!

Then we went to the "tent" for the "afterparty". Let me tell you...I'm not sure if it's because I am in a relationship or because I'm a whole year older or because I was a little tired but I just did not have as much fun as usual...Potentially because I must have had a sign on my forehead that said DANCE WITH ME considering I had three or four creepers come up...go figure but I did miss the boy...a lot :-(

Tonight is the first large group for IV...I'm super excited about getting this year kicked off...I think it's going to be great and I think God is going to do some pretty amazing things this year! Talking about this makes me realize I haven't really prayed about this school year yet...which I think is super important as my goal is to keep God more at the center of my focus. It has to happen in order for me to be successful as a student, small group leader, friend, person...

So yeah...I miss you guys and can't wait to see you soonish?!

I miss you friends

To all my friends...I love you!